Save yourself!

I was debating whether to even do another blog as I still haven’t had sex since that policeman I met on a night out about a month and a half ago, then I realised there are other things to write about other than my shameful nights of sex that I almost always regret. I was going to sleep with him again at the weekend as I was really horny, but when it came to the night he was supposed to come over I suddenly didn’t feel horny anymore and I couldn’t stand the thought of him coming over. It was the 3^rd time I cancelled on him so I don’t think he will bother me again luckily, I just text him that evening about an hour before he was going to come over saying “you’re going to hate me, I just really can’t have sex at the moment”, he text back saying it was fine but I know he was pissed off as I had wound him up for days texting him about all the things I wanted to do to him, then I cancel again last minute. I just felt like if I had of had sex with him everything would change for me, I would think less of myself again, get addicted to sex again, go back to working as a stripper and worst of all let a guy I don’t care about inside me again. Every month I have about 3 days where I am unbelievably horny and I go out with a purpose of finding a man to fuck but once those 3 days are gone I couldn’t think of anything worse than having sex. Antonio has been messaging me again also, he just doesn’t seem to get the point that first of all I will never forgive or forget what he did to me the last time we slept together and also I am not interested in him or having sex AT ALL! He started messaging me filth and I just sent him a message saying “you might as well be a gay man right now Antonio, I really couldn’t care less about sex and I really don’t want it right now so just please leave me alone”. His reply was “you’re so weird”!

I went out for dinner with my dad, sister and my aunty and uncle who were visiting from the Falkland Islands on Saturday. It was really nice to see them but I will admit I have never felt so invisible, my dad is lovely but I kind of get the feeling he doesn’t really like me well not that he doesn’t like me but maybe he is ashamed of me. He knows about me working as a stripper as my fucking horrible psychotic mother couldn’t wait to tell him and I know he just can’t deal with it. He won’t even look at me and can barely say 2 words to me, I will admit we don’t have anything in common anymore and I don’t really know what to say to him either but I can tell he doesn’t know how to be around me. At the restaurant it was very busy as it was a Saturday night, there was a big table of guys behind the table we were sat at and the guys kept looking round at me which I was trying to ignore. At the end of the meal the waitress came up to our table and said to me “I’m so sorry and I know this is a weird question but the guys from the table behind you wanted to know where you got your tattoos done and also they wanted you to know how well you pull them off”. Usually I would be flattered but because my dad was there I felt awkward as my dad didn’t say a word and wouldn’t look at me. It was as if he was embarrassed that a few guys complimented me in front of his sister and his sister’s husband, I don’t know. I do feel like he is embarrassed or ashamed of me, he never ever calls me actually he did call me yesterday because my sister didn’t answer her phone, when I answered he asked if he could speak to my sister. He didn’t even want to talk to me or pretend he wanted to for 5 minutes.

He is rubbish when it comes to dealing with sensitive subjects, when I had my abortion a few years ago that went really wrong, he didn’t come and visit me in the hospital, call me or anything. I almost died because I lost so much blood and the only people who were there for me was Carlos and his family, Carlos’s mother came to the hospital to visit me every single day but my parents didn’t come to see me once or even call me. I just don’t understand my parents at all; they just don’t seem to want to have anything to do with me. My mum is having a hysterectomy pretty soon and she can fuck off if she thinks I am going to visit her or even call her when she is in the hospital. I rang her in floods of tears when I was 19 telling her I was bleeding very heavily, I couldn’t leave Carlos’s bathroom, I was alone in his house, I was scared and I needed to go the hospital and she told me I was being dramatic and that it probably wasn’t that bad oh and she was too busy to come over and help me.  So I had to call me aunty who rushed over, took me to A and E where they gave me 3 blood transfusions and booked me in for surgery. I was talking to my friend Rosie the other day who called me in tears because she was feeling really down, I talked to her for ages and I tried my best to make her feel better and give her advice on how to stay positive. I think I actually helped myself also because some of the things I told her actually made me think maybe I should do this to. One thing I did tell her is that she needs to remember that no one else is going to save her except herself, don’t rely on anyone as everyone is only looking out for themselves so make sure you look out for yourself. It’s so true and that’s what I think about now, when things are shit I pick myself up off the floor, I don’t rely on anyone anymore as people are selfish, even your own parents!

Anyway sorry for that rant about my parents, they just piss me off so much as I just can’t believe I’m related to them yet I have nothing to say to either one of them and nothing in common with them. I’m so glad I have my sister as we are so close and I get on with her so well, she is always there for me to. I have decided also that I am not going to go back to that strip club again, I have a new job which I have been at for 6 weeks now and I really like and I don’t have to take my clothes off! I did try to go back to the club a few times to get extra money but every time I got ready to go I just burst into tears because I can’t face doing it now, it just destroys me. I’m trying to get rid of all the negative things in my life which is basically men and stripping! One teeny tiny bad thing that has come to my attention is that I am a little late for my period…………… erm shit!

No sex is better than meaningless sex

I am feeling a little more positive this week after I kind of hit rock bottom about 2 weeks ago, I did something really stupid when I was feeling down and hopeless about everything. I stupidly went to my doctors and pretended I was in a lot of pain because of my endometriosis so that he would prescribe me some more Tramadol which he did. He gave me a prescription of 60 tablets which I demolished within 24 hours, I just wanted to knock myself out and a little part of me didn’t want to wake up again I will admit. Obviously I got very high from taking all the tablets and I threw up about 40 or 50 times where I took too much. After the Tramadol had worn off I felt even worse than before, I was in tears for days after and I felt so down. I told my sister what I did because she saw me sat in my room in floods of tears, she was mad at me but she asked what would make me feel better. We ended up going for a walk in the forest because I wanted to get away from the city for the day as I hate it so much here. I didn’t feel completely better until about 5 or 6 days after my overdose of the Tramadol  I have booked a doctor’s appointment for this Tuesday and I am going to tell my doctor to never prescribe me Tramadol again as I don’t use it responsibly and I can’t trust myself with it. Even though I did this stupid thing I have managed to pick myself up again and I am just making sure I keep myself happy and don’t do anything that is going to bring me down.

 

I was going to sleep with that guy nick who I met at that club a couple of weeks ago but every time we made plans to meet up I kept making excuses because I just really don’t want to have sex at the moment, I really can’t handle it and I don’t actually want it. I am also petrified of feeling really low again and I think having sex again will not make me feel good about myself at all. The last time we made plans to meet up I text him and I was truthful about why I couldn’t meet up with him. I told him that I am trying  to quit having sex and I really can’t handle it emotionally at the moment which he was fine with, he left me alone for a few days and now he is texting me again and trying to convince me to let him round to fuck me. I am not going to let him try and bribe me into having sex with him, if I want to have sex I will but I really don’t. I honestly couldn’t think of anything worse than having sex at the moment or having a man that I am not interested in round my house. Men just can’t seem to take no for an answer though, he literally won’t stop texting me with different days he is free and what he wants to do to me. I really want to get a new number or something so that none of these guys would be able to contact me again.

 

I went out with a few of these girls I used to work with at this strip club, I hadn’t seen them in a while and it was nice to catch up. We went to this club and I will admit I wasn’t in the best mood yesterday to begin with, I didn’t have fun at all at the club, as soon as I got there I just wanted to go home, I just hate being around people at the moment. We were having drinks at my friend’s house before we went to the club and that was really nice but as soon as we got to the club I just couldn’t wait to get away. I saw this guy who was the year above me at one of my secondary schools, I briefly said hello as I don’t really remember him that well but he came up to me so I couldn’t just ignore him. Later on his friend started flirting with me, I talked to him for a bit but I was completely bored as soon as he opened his mouth, I just really couldn’t have cared less about what he was saying. We then danced for a bit and he started kissing me and touching me up on the dance floor which usually I would love but I just couldn’t wait to make a run for it. When we were dancing and kissing I literally felt completely numb, I just didn’t see the point in even being around this guy at all. He followed me round the club like a puppy; he literally wouldn’t leave me alone. I know he assumed he had “scored” which he fucking hadn’t at all so when he went to get a drink I literally made a run for it out of the club; I jumped in a taxi and went straight home. I had never felt so relieved to be going home on my own, usually I don’t consider it a good night out if I haven’t slept with a guy but I feel 10 times better for not sleeping with that guy last night.

 

When I woke up this morning, I didn’t turn over and think fuck who the hell is this in my bed and what the hell have I done with make up all done my face from the night before. I woke up by myself and I was so glad about that. At one point when I was dancing with that guy and he was kissing me I was thinking right I have to sleep with him now as I usually always do, but then I thought why? I don’t like him and I don’t want to have sex, it’s my choice and I don’t have to do anything, so I fucking made a run for it! I still really want to have a relationship and I know if I have a one night stand or have meaningless sex I will go straight back to my old ways and I will ruin any chance of ever being happy again. I just have no idea how to go about having a relationship, how do you meet guys who are not just after one thing? There is one guy who I really really wish I had not dismissed so quickly, it was this guy called Stephen who was the most lovely and gorgeous man I have ever met. I was still sleeping around at that point and completely against relationships so I was not very nice to him at all, I know he really liked me and wanted a relationship but I fucked that up completely. I wish he could forgive me as I would really like to see him again, I just don’t think he would be interested in seeing me after the way I treated him.

Uncomfortably numb

I have been good and I have not had sex since that guy Nick who I met at that club. He keeps messaging me and really wants to fuck me again but I just really haven’t been in the mood at the moment. He won’t give up though so I have arranged for him to come over on Tuesday night to fuck, he is a policeman so he is going to come over in his uniform, arrest me and then force himself on me. I am actually looking forward to it, I’ve never been out with a policeman before and I think it is going to be so hot when he comes round in his uniform. He said he wants to be really rough with me when he arrests me and forces himself on me, I told him I don’t mind that at all but I will fight back and I will give as good as I get which he loved. I really can’t remember what he looks like though, I was so drunk the night I met him, I will be able to recognise him when I see him but I just really can’t remember what he looks like. Even though I think it will be really hot doing this whole policeman role-play thing I am kind of worried about it at the same time. I worry that it might start to feel a bit real and maybe freak me out, I’m just worried that he will get a bit too aggressive with me and I won’t have any control over the situation as I will be handcuffed. We haven’t talked about safe words or anything but I may suggest that to him. The other reason I am worried is that I think all this rough sex I like to try might be screwing with my head a bit, I enjoy it at the time but then when I look back I do kind of think what the fuck, that’s messed up!!

I really don’t know whether to have sex with Nick again or anyone at the moment as I am feeling really fucked up in the head about everything at the moment. I went to this shopping centre today that is near the sea and I was so tempted to chuck my phone in the sea and just start over, only give certain people my number and just almost go into hiding from the whole dating, fucking and going out thing. I really feel like I need to go to a rehab centre or something and just get away from everything and everyone for a while as I just really don’t know what I want at the moment and I am getting hassled all day every day from various guys I am sleeping with. I actually got a text from that guy Max the other day, it’s the first time he had text me since I told him I was pregnant and I was getting it taken care of. I think he thinks I have forgotten about it already. He just text me saying “I see you have deleted me off Facebook, why did you do that”? I replied saying “because you’re a fucking prick”, and he was acting shocked and clueless to why I would say that. I then just text him saying “you’re a fucking idiot and don’t text me again”, he just sent one word back to me which was “whatever”, yeah great come back you fucking prick. If I ever saw Max face to face I would fucking smash his stupid face in, he makes me so mad and I just can’t believe how much of a dick he was to me.

One of my best friends got engaged yesterday; she called me and was obviously very happy, I was so happy for her to. I envied her that she is able to be with someone and know that she wants to be with him for the rest of her life. I know I am rubbish with relationships and everything but I would like to be able to have one. I just don’t trust anyone enough to have one and I am just so used to being on my own and taking care of myself that I’m petrified to let my guard down or let anyone in. People think I am really happy and stuff because I am always joking around about everything but the reality is that I am fucking miserable. I just make jokes and muck around because I don’t want to seem vulnerable or let people in. I also know that no man is going to want to be with me, I have done so many terrible things, I’m a stripper and I have far too many skeletons in my closet. I have done some fucking stupid and messed up things, I really wish I could have them removed from memory. I don’t think anyone could look past the things that I have done or forgive me. I am pretty much the only girl my age that is still single out of all my friends; I haven’t been in a relationship for nearly 4 years now. The thought of being in a relationship scares the shit out of me still but I really want to get over that now, I’m sick of my life being such a mess now, it’s just a mess of alcohol, men, sex, stripping and endless depression. I have been on anti- depressants for years now and I swear I’m immune to them or something because I just feel completely numb, I can’t seem to enjoy anything anymore, nothing and no one makes me happy anymore.

Alcohol and confidence….? Who knew?….

I may have let my urges get the better of me the weekend before last, I fucked that barman from work Saturday afternoon and then I went out that night and fucked this random guy I met twice that night and once again Sunday morning. Sex with the barman was not great to be honest, it was very boring and I was just not into him at all. When he came over we were talking for ages and I was sooooo bored and I could tell he was too shy to come on to me, so I just went for it to shut him up. I definitely wouldn’t fuck him again but unfortunately I do have to see him every weekend at fucking work! I am such an idiot, I always fuck someone who I work with, where ever I work I always manage it and I always regret it. I asked the barman Chris to not tell anyone that we fucked as I don’t want all the girls gossiping and he agreed, so hopefully he will keep his stupid boring mouth shut. I was supposed to work that night at the club but I changed my mind and decided to go out with a few girls to this club I love. I was fucking vile that night, I got so drunk, I was touching myself up on the dance floor, drinking peoples drinks from the bar and just generally being an idiot. I did have fun though and it was nice to be out as I haven’t gone out drinking in a while with all my girlfriends. I was so unbelievably horny that day and night and I don’t think I was afraid to hide it at all!

So I was dancing with all my friends and I see this guy looking at me, as soon as I looked back at him he walked over to me, grabbed me and just starting kissing me. We were dancing and kissing each other for a while and he even started fingering me on the dance floor, I’m not sure if any one saw to be honest. I started to get worried that people could see what he was doing so I just grabbed his hand and led him outside. He asked me where we were going and I just replied “we’re going back to mine”, which he didn’t argue with obviously. We jumped into a taxi and as we were on our way back in the taxi we couldn’t keep our hands off each other, I feel so sorry for that taxi driver although I’m sure he has seen worse. We were only kissing and may have had our hands down each other’s pants. When we got back to mine there was no messing around, we both jumped each other and I’m not sure if it was the alcohol or what but I had so much more fun and confidence with that guy. I usually like a guy to dominate me but that night I was the dominant one, I was strangling him, holding him down, scratching the fuck out of his back and telling him what to do. The best part of it was that he loved it, it turned him on so much and when I was holding him down he was using so much force to try and fight against me and at one point when I threw him down he moaned and said “ yeah that’s it, beat the shit out of me”. I didn’t beat the shit out of him obviously but I thought it was so hot that he said that and was so into it.

In the morning when I woke up next to him, I remembered him being there but I suddenly realised I had no idea what his name was. I didn’t ask him his name as I didn’t really have a chance to and I didn’t really care. He asked for my number which I gave him and when he text me he ended his text with his name which I now know is Nick. He wants to fuck again which I am up for but at the same time I am not really sure about it. I kind of think if you have a good one night stand just leave it as it is- a one night stand. I just reckon it wouldn’t be as good 2^nd time round, but I kind of want to find out as he has been messaging me filth ever since. He wants to do a threesome with me as he has never tried one and he is up for either kind of threesome. I said I didn’t mind which type we do but I will only do it with two guys and me, but I didn’t want to sound selfish. I just couldn’t handle another girl being involved I don’t think, I know it sounds really bratty but I have to be the centre of attention when it comes to sex and I am not interested in having a sexual encounter with a woman. I would like to try a threesome as I have only had a fivesome with four marines which was a bit to hectic I think. There is not really a lot that excites me now though, I just find men so boring in general, I am just so sick of talking all that stupid small talk and pretending I’m interested when I go out with a guy. I really couldn’t fucking care less! I honestly have no idea what a guy could do to get me interested and keep me interested, I get bored of sex with the same man as well so that wouldn’t work. I really don’t think I will ever be able to have a relationship again with a man, not just because I have had bad experiences but because I don’t want one.

I think i’m faulty

I have managed to have a productive couple of weeks, lots of going to the gym, staying away from men and I even got a new day job doing office work at a hospital which is good. I’m still going to work at the strip club weekends to get extra money but at least I will be busy during the week now. I got the job through a job agency; they needed to get all my references and history of my work. I told them I work as a waitress at the strip club as I wanted a job that is just Monday to Friday so I can still work weekends, obviously I don’t want them to know I’m a stripper. So the woman who was sorting out this new job for me said she needed proof that I work at the strip club as a waitress and asked if I could show her some pay slips. I was thinking shit how the fuck can I get around this as I get paid cash in hand at the club, so I told her I don’t have any pay slips so she then asked if she could see a bank statement. I know for a fact she knew I was a dancer but she was just being a twat and trying to get me get me to admit it. So in the end I just told her the truth, she then said it was fine and I didn’t need to lie as she doesn’t mind and she won’t tell the hospital and they don’t need to know, she just needs it for her records at the agency. When I went in to the job agency to sign some forms I was just so embarrassed and I know they were all judging me because of my job which is why I didn’t want them to know, I still don’t understand why they needed to in the first place as I had already been given the job at the hospital.

I worked at the club last weekend and I actually did pretty well, my first dance I did was for this guy who was on his stag do. He paid for a dance from me and this other girl to dance for him at the same time. He was getting married in about two weeks and as we were dancing for him and we were both naked he kept touching both of us and asking us to come back to his. I was just like seriously? You’re getting married in two weeks and you’re trying to get us to come back with you to a hotel and keep touching us both up. I don’t understand why anyone would get married; it’s just ridiculous as no one can stay faithful to one person for the rest of their life so why make all those promises, especially if you know you won’t be faithful. That poor woman who is marrying that guy, she probably thinks he is a nice guy and really loves her but in reality he is just like every other man out there- a pervert! Even though I have no respect for men anymore what so ever I still crave sex. The only problem is that I don’t know anyone that I want to sleep with at the moment; I really need to find some new men as my phone book is pretty dusty! I just find that any guy I meet will piss me off in some way and it just puts me off, they can say just one thing that’s annoying or stupid and that’s it!

This guy who works behind the bar at the club I work at has been messaging me recently and has basically said he wants to fuck me. He is alright but I’m not really fussed to be fair, he is coming over Monday to fuck but I honestly don’t know whether to even bother. Also I have fucked guys I have worked with so many times before and it just makes things awkward. He said he won’t tell anyone as he doesn’t want all the gossip either but it will still be weird at work. When I’m doing fully nude dances for customers at work this barman is always the one watching over the dances to make sure everything’s OK and he always just watches me and it really freaks me out. Usually I would find it a turn on if a guy was watching me that I was into but I guess I’m just not really into him or bothered in the slightest. I haven’t had sex in about a month now, I really want it but at the same time I don’t. I just can’t be bothered with all the shit that comes with it and also I am pretty fucking bored of sex now, nothing shocks me, I’ve done it all! (Well within reason). I literally just wait for the guy to cum now as I know nothing else is going to happen, I just get so angry with sex now because I’m so bored of it, I literally don’t know what else to try. I got really upset when my sister was telling me about this guy she has started seeing called Will. She hasn’t had sex in 6 years, she slept with this guy for the first time a couple of weeks ago and she came from just penetration! I honestly don’t know what’s wrong with me; I’m convinced I’m faulty! It’s so unfair; I would love to experience cumming from sex or cumming from anything with a man.

I went to town with my friend Vicky today and I bumped into this guy called Jamie who I fucked a couple of times, he was a very good looking guy but he looked a bit rough today. I said hello to him and stuff and it was fine but still a bit awkward, I hate my city so much as I bump into someone I’ve slept with pretty much every day. But then later on we were outside having a cigarette and I suddenly said to Vicky “we need to go, we need to go, now! We started walking and Vicky was asking me why we needed to go but it was to late, he had already seen me. It was Carlos, I literally felt like I was going to throw up when I saw him. I was petrified he was going to hit me or start an argument; I haven’t seen him since I fucked him over. Luckily he didn’t say anything to me and I just pretended I didn’t see him and kept walking. I have done too many horrible things with people and to people in this town and too many people know too many things about me. Even walking through town I see men who have had dances off me, I can see them looking at me, I know they recognize me and they look worried as they are with their girlfriends or wives and obviously they don’t want them to know. I just feel so trapped here, I hate going out now and I hate everyone around here.

Me, myself and I

Once again I am left on my own to deal with a mistake that took two people to make. So last week I was late for my period so I go and get a pregnancy test, wait 3 minutes, check the test and burst into tears. It was positive! I slept with Max a couple of weeks ago and we didn’t use a condom or anything (yes I know I’m a fucking idiot) and he is the only person I have slept with who didn’t use a condom so I know it was his. I didn’t tell a single soul, not even my sister that I was pregnant; I booked an appointment at my hospital to get it taken care of. I then thought maybe I should text max and tell him as I would want to know if it was the other way round. The most stupid idea I have ever had! He basically text me saying that it couldn’t be his as it is too soon since we had sex, and he knows what I am like so it could be anyone’s. I messaged him asking if he thinks his sperm just sits around and waits for 2 weeks before doing anything and did he ever pay attention in sex education classes? I mean what a fucking idiot; it doesn’t take that long to get pregnant. I then messaged him saying “well lucky for you it’s not your problem now anyway”. He didn’t message me back and he hasn’t messaged me since. So I went to my hospital appointment, they did a scan and confirmed I was pregnant, gave me the tablets and some pain killers. I then went to town to clear my head, I was looking around the shops and suddenly the worst cramps in the world hit me so I quickly drove myself home and I spent the next few hours in my bathroom just waiting for it all to be over.

I still hadn’t told anyone except Max at this point, I got through it all on my own, it was horrible but at least it’s all done now. I thought I was fine but then Saturday night I was getting ready for work, I had my fake tan on, make up on, hair extensions in and I had to be at work in about half an hour. I sat down and then I just had a complete breakdown, I burst into tears, fell to the floor and I didn’t get up or stop crying for about an hour. I didn’t go to work obviously, I just couldn’t handle it and the last thing I wanted to do was take my clothes off for disgusting men. It all just hit me Saturday night, I honestly thought I was fine but I was just trying to stay strong so I could deal with it before I had an emotional melt down. I know I have said this before but I would love to see a man go through that on their own, Max doesn’t even know I have dealt with it all by myself and I don’t think he even cares. I am seriously fucking done now! I am never ever going to let a man in my life emotionally; I have lost all faith in men completely. But I am over it now, I have dealt with a nasty situation and I did it with no help from anyone.

I went to the gym yesterday as I was so angry I couldn’t sit still, I had the best work out ever, I took all my anger out on the gym and I felt amazing after it. I am going to make sure I go to the gym every day from now on; I am going to put my energy into obsessing about losing weight and going to the gym. If I don’t find something to distract myself and obsess over I will end up beating the shit out of Max which is not worth my time at all.  I don’t want to look at Max let alone waste my energy on punching the shit out of him. Obviously I haven’t had sex for a couple of weeks now and to be honest I can’t see myself having it for quite a while, I have never been so angry at men in my life. I have been through this situation a couple of times and every time I have been on my own, I know for sure now that the only person who can help me is me! I picked myself up off of my floor, I drove myself to the hospital and I dealt with the repercussions of a stupid decision that involved a fucking moron!

Get in and get out!

Well I ended up meeting up with dildo James for a drink last week and it was as I expected the most awkward evening of my life. We had nothing to talk about and I wasn’t really listening to him anyway, I don’t really care about him so I just completely switched off, I just smiled and laughed every now and then. I had to down my drink in one at one point because I knew if I took the glass away from my mouth I was going to burst into laughter. All the dirty things he did to me, with me and in front of me came into my head and it was so difficult to not start laughing my head off. That’s why I wasn’t really keen on meeting for a drink with him, it’s so fucking embarrassing and I don’t like him for his personality, I don’t know really anything about him and I would rather keep it that way. Sitting opposite him in a bar with all my clothes on was so fucking surreal, when I got home my sister asked me how it went and I just said it was really awkward and I didn’t listen to a fucking word he said, it was absolutely pointless. I still don’t know what the reason for that meet up was! I haven’t text him because I’m not bothered, I just find it really strange and I don’t really know what it was all about. I don’t think I would sleep with him again to be honest either, that ship has kind of sailed now. I know it sounds weird but now that we have met up in the real world and had a normal meet up it has kind of killed the relationship we had which was just fucked up sex. Meeting up with him normally has just made it too weird now and I don’t think I could see him again.

Last week I was pretty fucking horny so I was messaging this doorman Martin who I have been out with once, he his 38, he seems like a nice guy but there is just something about him that I don’t trust. I cancelled on him once because I changed my mind when he was 10 minutes away from mine, I text him saying I was very ill so he just turned around and went home. Sunday he was supposed to come over again but I came up with another excuse so he didn’t come. Then Tuesday I was really up for it and I had arranged for him to come over at 8PM, it was about 6PM and I just sat there and thought NO! I can’t sleep with him, I don’t want to and I really don’t trust him, so I text him saying “you will never believe it but I can’t fuck now as I have just come on”. So I cancelled on him 3 times, I am just not going to bother arranging to meet up with him again as I know I don’t want to do it. When I cancelled on him the first time, I actually cancelled because a guy called Max text me saying he wanted to fuck. I preferred Max to come over because I have slept with him quite a few times, I know what he will do, I know he is harmless and most importantly he leaves almost instantly. There is nothing worse than a guy hanging around and wanting to chat after fucking. I actually used to date Max’s best friend years ago, he was called Louie and I cheated on him fuck loads, I actually started seeing Carlos whilst I was still with Louie. Louie is actually married now, Max was telling me as obviously he went to the wedding.

I also fucked this Royal Marine called James for the first time last week; it was alright but nothing special. I just get so pissed off with guys who are all filthy over text saying they are going to this and that to you then they get here and it’s just the same old fucking fuck! I was telling my friend Steve that I went down on him for like 1 minute and he went down on me for absolutely ages, I just wasn’t into him so I’m not going to go down on a guy if it’s not worth it. We were fucking for ages and he kept stopping to go down on me again and when he came back up to kiss me I was just all fucking over his face, it was gross! I know it’s me on his face but I was just a bit like yeah I’m not really feeling that! So as usual I faked it and he came no problem! After we fucked he was lying in my bed and he reached his arm over to me and made me snuggle into him on his chest! It was horrible, I don’t understand why guys want to do that, I mean you have been in me for quite a while, I need my fucking space. I lied down on his chest for about 1 minute before I jumped up and sat on the opposite side of the bed so he couldn’t trap me again. I just don’t do hugging and all that crap, he then started blabbering on about some shit for ages that I was just not listening to at all. Luckily he didn’t fucking stay over, I think I would of killed myself if I would have had to share a bed with that guy. I don’t like any guy sleeping over though, I don’t like any guy being in my personal surroundings for too long and I actually can’t sleep if there is another guy in my bed. I actually start feeling panicky if they don’t leave as quickly as I would like them to, I just feel to open after I have had sex and I feel like a guy will try and be emotional with me after sex and it fucking freaks the hell out of me.

People keep saying to me “oh you just haven’t met Mr Right yet” but I honestly don’t think that would make a difference. I just don’t do intimacy or all that emotional stuff, after I have sex with a guy I feel less for him, not more! Sex just doesn’t mean anything to me anymore, I enjoy it with certain people but it just doesn’t register as an emotional or meaningful thing in my head. Whenever I go to town I always see at least 3 guys I have slept with but I feel absolutely nothing, I just pretend I don’t see them as I would rather avoid an awkward hello with them. I did actually see that fireman Steve who I slept with ages ago in town yesterday, he was walking towards the way I was walking and I gave him such a dirty look, I kind of regret doing that now but I fucking hate that guy so much. We only slept together once but I fell pregnant which I didn’t know about till I miscarried and he was just the worst person to tell. He couldn’t have cared less, luckily I had my sister with me and she looked after me. That’s why I never let myself get emotionally involved with a guy because I would prefer that I look after myself, I will never walk out on myself, turn my back on myself and I can save myself. I have been through a couple of miscarriages on my own and I have been through worse and I made it through without the help of a man. I would love to see a man go through a miscarriage by himself, I just have no respect for men anymore, I have just seen to many terrible sides of men and I don’t think some Mr Right is going to change my mind on that!