I was debating whether to even do another blog as I still haven’t had sex since that policeman I met on a night out about a month and a half ago, then I realised there are other things to write about other than my shameful nights of sex that I almost always regret. I was going to sleep with him again at the weekend as I was really horny, but when it came to the night he was supposed to come over I suddenly didn’t feel horny anymore and I couldn’t stand the thought of him coming over. It was the 3rd time I cancelled on him so I don’t think he will bother me again luckily, I just text him that evening about an hour before he was going to come over saying “you’re going to hate me, I just really can’t have sex at the moment”, he text back saying it was fine but I know he was pissed off as I had wound him up for days texting him about all the things I wanted to do to him, then I cancel again last minute. I just felt like if I had of had sex with him everything would change for me, I would think less of myself again, get addicted to sex again, go back to working as a stripper and worst of all let a guy I don’t care about inside me again. Every month I have about 3 days where I am unbelievably horny and I go out with a purpose of finding a man to fuck but once those 3 days are gone I couldn’t think of anything worse than having sex. Antonio has been messaging me again also, he just doesn’t seem to get the point that first of all I will never forgive or forget what he did to me the last time we slept together and also I am not interested in him or having sex AT ALL! He started messaging me filth and I just sent him a message saying “you might as well be a gay man right now Antonio, I really couldn’t care less about sex and I really don’t want it right now so just please leave me alone”. His reply was “you’re so weird”!
I went out for dinner with my dad, sister and my aunty and uncle who were visiting from the Falkland Islands on Saturday. It was really nice to see them but I will admit I have never felt so invisible, my dad is lovely but I kind of get the feeling he doesn’t really like me well not that he doesn’t like me but maybe he is ashamed of me. He knows about me working as a stripper as my fucking horrible psychotic mother couldn’t wait to tell him and I know he just can’t deal with it. He won’t even look at me and can barely say 2 words to me, I will admit we don’t have anything in common anymore and I don’t really know what to say to him either but I can tell he doesn’t know how to be around me. At the restaurant it was very busy as it was a Saturday night, there was a big table of guys behind the table we were sat at and the guys kept looking round at me which I was trying to ignore. At the end of the meal the waitress came up to our table and said to me “I’m so sorry and I know this is a weird question but the guys from the table behind you wanted to know where you got your tattoos done and also they wanted you to know how well you pull them off”. Usually I would be flattered but because my dad was there I felt awkward as my dad didn’t say a word and wouldn’t look at me. It was as if he was embarrassed that a few guys complimented me in front of his sister and his sister’s husband, I don’t know. I do feel like he is embarrassed or ashamed of me, he never ever calls me actually he did call me yesterday because my sister didn’t answer her phone, when I answered he asked if he could speak to my sister. He didn’t even want to talk to me or pretend he wanted to for 5 minutes.
He is rubbish when it comes to dealing with sensitive subjects, when I had my abortion a few years ago that went really wrong, he didn’t come and visit me in the hospital, call me or anything. I almost died because I lost so much blood and the only people who were there for me was Carlos and his family, Carlos’s mother came to the hospital to visit me every single day but my parents didn’t come to see me once or even call me. I just don’t understand my parents at all; they just don’t seem to want to have anything to do with me. My mum is having a hysterectomy pretty soon and she can fuck off if she thinks I am going to visit her or even call her when she is in the hospital. I rang her in floods of tears when I was 19 telling her I was bleeding very heavily, I couldn’t leave Carlos’s bathroom, I was alone in his house, I was scared and I needed to go the hospital and she told me I was being dramatic and that it probably wasn’t that bad oh and she was too busy to come over and help me. So I had to call me aunty who rushed over, took me to A and E where they gave me 3 blood transfusions and booked me in for surgery. I was talking to my friend Rosie the other day who called me in tears because she was feeling really down, I talked to her for ages and I tried my best to make her feel better and give her advice on how to stay positive. I think I actually helped myself also because some of the things I told her actually made me think maybe I should do this to. One thing I did tell her is that she needs to remember that no one else is going to save her except herself, don’t rely on anyone as everyone is only looking out for themselves so make sure you look out for yourself. It’s so true and that’s what I think about now, when things are shit I pick myself up off the floor, I don’t rely on anyone anymore as people are selfish, even your own parents!
Anyway sorry for that rant about my parents, they just piss me off so much as I just can’t believe I’m related to them yet I have nothing to say to either one of them and nothing in common with them. I’m so glad I have my sister as we are so close and I get on with her so well, she is always there for me to. I have decided also that I am not going to go back to that strip club again, I have a new job which I have been at for 6 weeks now and I really like and I don’t have to take my clothes off! I did try to go back to the club a few times to get extra money but every time I got ready to go I just burst into tears because I can’t face doing it now, it just destroys me. I’m trying to get rid of all the negative things in my life which is basically men and stripping! One teeny tiny bad thing that has come to my attention is that I am a little late for my period…………… erm shit!